Positively Honest

1) Is it possible to have anything more than a superficial relationship with someone and only be positive?
2)Can an honest & healthy relationship move forward without looking back and dealing with past hurts? My answer is no, I don't think so, on both counts. I'll explain why.

Reason: 1). The Bible is full of bad news, mostly for us. Without God, we are lost, unrighteous, not good (not even one), rebellious, and all other sorts of bad news. In addition, when my wife and I first got together, things were mostly happy and things were smooth, but as we got more real with each other, there things we had to work through and compromise on in and discuss that we did not like or appreciate about the other.

But the "negative" drew us into a deeper relationship and a better understanding of each other and a desire to do fix what was not working. Being positive can be good, but when being positive overides trust and honesty, there is a problem. There can be little more than a superficial, "how are you?, I'm fine" relationship. And for some relationships in my life, that is all there will be.

Here's another example, one of my dads was and is a functioning alcoholic. Many times in my life, he had promised one thing, and did another; or said one thing and didn't really mean it, changing his mind from one minute or one day to the next. He was untrustworthy and he displayed little to no consistancy, other than being consistancy unreliable when it came to his word. His word could not be trusted.

To this day, I cannot have and do not necessarily want any more than a superficial relationship with him. I love him, but I cannot trust him, so I am not going to keep putting myself in a situation where I am going to keep getting hurt, especially when he doesn't think anything is wrong.

Reason: 2) I think it is very difficult for an honest & healthy relationship to move forward without looking back and dealing with past hurts. I offer you the example & experience with my dad again. because of his past, there have been many issues. there have been times where I have forgiven my dad for things he did whether he knew what he did or not.

However, because we have never really talked about what some of those things are, and since he repeats, to a degree, the same patterns that he did years ago, he still cannot be trusted partly because he sees nothing wrong with what he's done. there is no resolution, so we cannot move forward or deeper in relationship.

On the other hand, my stepdad's past is filled with many times where there were past hurts that directly affected me. I have also forgiven him. ***Here is the big difference, in my opinion. We have talked about those things that caused pain; he has apologized for specific things, and I have done the same. We still talk about the past every so often, but in a more humorous light because it has been discussed and dealt with. Also, the grace of Jesus Christ was present in this one; not the other.

My relationship with him is more genuine because we don't try to tiptoe around the past. It has been said, that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. This seems clear to see when I look at the two "dad" examples above (and many others in the addiciton cycle). One has learned from his past and we have moved forward. One has not learned from his past, and we do not grow together at all; I haven't even seen him in 3 or 4 years. He continues to do the same thing over and over again.

I do not see, any time soon, a genuine relationship with my bio-dad. He would have to show consistancy in his word. That would take time. If he quits drinking, that will be a good start. However, he has, many times, so I don't put much stock in his stopping for 2, 4, 6 months. As I said, he's done it many times.

And our history has shown that he is not really a man of his word. So, the proof is in the true change. Consistant change. Not the every 4-6 month change that has been characteristic of his life when I was in it. It is sad, but it is the way it is. It is who he is. He will not change without the grace and strength of God. With God all things are possible. Without Him, it is unlikely anything will change.

Derrick