Forgiveness Versus Trust

I was talking with my uncle the other day and we were talking about forgiveness and trust in a relationship. Sometimes I need to hear things several times before it sinks in or to be refreshed on occasion. This was one of those times.

His simple distinction between the two helped me quite a bit. He characterized forgiveness as "giving up the right to be angry and demand judgement". He characterized trust as something that needs to be earned and can be a separate issue from forgiveness. I want to look at this a little more and offer a few comments and observations as it applies to this topic.

Forgiveness is commanded in Scripture and the theme of God's forgiveness of us is a big deal. It seems clear that, it is not an option. For weeks in my own life, I have been dealing with this. There was an issue of someone hurting me by their saying one thing and doing another on a number of ocassions. To me, this violated my trust for them. This was not an isolated event, but rather a pattern that I did not want to continue. Nor did I want to respond on a purely emotional level (See my post on Feelings)

My initial response was that I did not like what this person had done, again. To be honest, I was very upset. I was in a tough spot, because I had just grown tired of this and I knew in my mind and heart that forgiveness was going to need to take place. But for a while, I was unwilling to. I did not want to see or communicate with this person, and I did not for a time. I had nothing nice to say to them. I even wanted to return any gift they had ever given. I did not wish nice things for them.

I knew I was wrong in my thinking. That was part of the reason I needed space from this person because I did not want to say or do something that would permanently scar them or myself. Getting back on topic; forgiveness meant that I had to give up my right to be angry and demand judgement or get revenge, etc. And I have. I still think there is a little bitterness, or unforgiveness in my heart a little (some hurt is there, but it is mostly gone), but that, I think, is part of the process. It seems to me that forgiveness doesn't just erase all the feelings and thoughts. If you are one that everything is erased, kudos for you. I'm not like that.

It also doesn't mean that I forget what happens, which brings me to the next point about trust. Many say you must forgive and forget, but I was reminded that that is not found in the Bible, at least not the forgetting part. As I stated in my last post, if you do not learn from history, you are doomed to repeat it. I think this applies in relationships, particularly those that are influenced by alcohol, dysfunction, addiction or any addictive cycle.

Trust is something that must be earned. And it is not earned by any individual instance, though it could be. Rather, I think it is earned by consistant behavior over time. I said the other day, I can trust my stepdad or that our relationship is better. Ten or more years ago, I could not trust him, and I would not and did not have a meaningful relationship with him. Now I do. I forgave him long ago, but it was probably five years of his consistant living before I felt I could trust him. He is not repeating the same patterns he did from the past.

Would he have died for me? Probably. Did I trust him enough to have a deep, genuine, meaningful relationship with him? No. That took time. I have forgiven my bio-dad for many of his wrongdoings and how they affected me. At this time, I would not and do not have a meaningful relationship with him because he is still in the pattern and cycle of alcoholism and dysfunction. That will take time, if it will ever happen. It is largely up to him.

What do you think? Is the distinction fair? Is it Biblical? Did I miss something? Do you have a story of forgiveness and/or trust?