Hugs, Not Drugs

Last week, I went to the funeral of my Uncle Les. While there I saw family I had not seen in forever. It had been so long, I did not actually remember many of them. They would say, "The last time I saw you, you were this high..." I would smile awkwardly and try and pretend-ish that I remembered them. But I am not always good at hiding those things.

I did notice one thing about most of the people I came in contact with: they know how to hug. Here is what I mean. It didn't matter that I didn't really know who these people were except that they were family. It was a good solid embrace.

Now, I am unashamed to say I like a good hug, even from a man. I just do. Maybe it is because I was hug-deprived growing up, maybe it was because I went to churches where they are not afraid of a little human contact, maybe it is because I don't care for the hugs that make me think I have an infectious disease. Here are a few types I have experienced.

Types of hugs:

1) Full on squeeze-the-breath-from-you-and-crush-your-sternum hug. Better than no hug. But bearly...sorry, couldn't help myself

2) A good solid embrace. I don't even have a name. This is usually found in families-definitely at my uncle's funeral, and a big section of the other side of my family, good friends, and some churches. This is the purest hug; nothing sexual, or awkward. It says I love and/or care for you. My wife gives a good one of these. I also enjoy my dad's and my pastor's hugs. This is the one where you feel secure and safe and loved. This is the perfect hug, in my opinion.

3) The kiss-on-the-cheek-and-continue-in-for-the-hug hug. These are nice but they can be borderline awkward if you haven't done this with the person before. Mostly because you could be unsure which direction to go, and which part of the face to kiss. I have mistakenly kissed the side of someone's nose, mouth, ear, and eye. Is it really the thought that counts? :-) These can range from pleasant and heartfelt to comical or obligatory.

You sometimes see these from the "rich" folks who know human contact is good, but they are not really interested in a whole lot of contact or intimacy. (By intimacy, I mean the deeper relationship where you can talk, trust and feel freely) Which is why conversation with these folks is almost always limited to weather, jobs and other minutae.

4) The one-is-committed-to-the-hug-but-the-other-is-not hug. This hug has several variations each with their own unique message.

A) uncomfortable man hug - This is a generic one for men who do not like to hug other men. The message here is that I am not comfortable hugging you, so I will try to shift the hug to something else, but which often ends up making the hug more uncomfortable or awkward than a simple handshake.

B) The handshake/forearm grab or handshake/shoulder grab: to to keep the other at a comfortable distance thus saying "I like you, but not too much."

C) It can also include the more committed, but still uncomfortable-with-hugs variation which is the half handshake-half hug. This is usually accompanied by the quick one-armed embrace that is quickly over. This is usually seen only in casual friends

D) Sometimes you will even see the very uncomfortable committment to hug with either an "embrace" with the short tap (or pat) of the hand or even just the fingetips in order to greatly minimize the human contact. This also may be seen with a hugging of the top of your shoulder in order to keep you at arm's length. I like to call this one the infectious disease hug.

This is because you feel like you have a communicable disease that may come off if you spend too much time with me. This one says, "I think you have an infectious disease and I don't really expect to see you much longer anyway, but since it is tradition to hug you, I will do so with great reluctance. " There is little intimacy or trust in this relationship. Should not be used on family or friends, unless they have a higly infectious disease.

E) The fake-out-screen-to-the-shoulder-hug-maneuver. This is the way for women to not be front hugged from the creepy guy that seems to like you that still insists on hugging you, but you are too nice to say anything. The important part in this manuever is that the creeped-out person must initiate the side hug. This is a pre-emptive strike.

As you can see, there are many ways to hug. Each has their own message, whether you realize it or not. Of course, my messages are purely subjecive and are subject to criticism and self-delusion. But I would love to hear about your different hugs, if I left one out. Or even your imput on the message a hug might give. Go out and hug someone.